


Karkat and John: Fail at relationships.

by isadorator



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - In the Veil, Black Romance, Fluff, Humor, Jealousy, M/M, Pesterlog, Red Romance, Stupid and Cute Boys Being Stupid and Cute, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-23 16:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isadorator/pseuds/isadorator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is in love with Karkat and tries to be his kismesis anyway. Karkat refuses to believe he doesn't hate John and accepts. Romantic shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat and John: Fail at relationships.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the [captchalogue meme](http://captchalogue.livejournal.com/1365.html?thread=1230933#t1230933) and I thought this was going to be a pain to format but apparently there's a Homestuck skin?! Seriously, screw ff.net, dA and LJ, my official favourite fanwork site is now AO3.
> 
>  **EDIT:** Fixed some formatting that was bothering me and tweaked the writing a bit, mostly so that a) Karkat does not say 'fuck' every ten seconds and b) he's about 20% sassier.
> 
> Also, there's [a Russian translation](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4908564) now :')

You are KARKAT VANTAS and you are resting in a pile of TRAGICALLY UNDERRATED TROLL ROMCOMS in your room in THE VEIL. You are also trying to avoid JOHN EGBERT as much as possible because he’s got it in his STUPID HUMAN HEAD that he is your KISMESIS. While he’s surprisingly NOT TERRIBLE AT IT, it’s making you feel weird that he is his NORMAL, GOOFBALL SELF towards everyone else while he TRIES TO BE A JERK to you.

It’s not a good weird.

>hate everything with raging passion

That is already the DEFAULT EMOTIONAL STATE for you. However, you have been more angry than usual lately. You don’t care to EXAMINE why.

>hate john egbert with raging passion

EVERYTHING, by definition, includes JOHN EGBERT - as well as EVERY OTHER CONCEIVABLE THING IN EXISTENCE, you unbelievable MORON.

>examine feelings for john egbert

YOU HATE HIM AND HIS DISGUSTINGLY LONG EYELASHES WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND GREEN SUNS.

YOU.

 _HATE_.

HIM.

IS THAT REALLY SO HARD A CONCEPT TO GRASP?

>examine feelings for john egbert

YOU JUST WENT THROUGH THIS.

>examine feelings for john egbert

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON.

>EXAMINE FEELINGS FOR JOHN EGBERT

You have had enough of this shit. You ABSCOND from your own think pan and leave to visit GAMZEE MAKARA, in the hopes of regaining your SANITY.

The irony of this does not escape you.

>be john egbert

You cannot be JOHN EGBERT, as he is too busy bumping into his BOSOMFOE and CO-FRIENDLEADER in the hallway!

>OH MAN OH GOD ABSCOND ABSCOND ABSCOND

You cannot ABSCOND! This bucktoothed MORON is blocking your path! You will need all your SOCIAL SAVVY in order to avoid an encounter with him, as well as all your HARDIHOOD to avoid PUNCHING HIM IN HIS GOOFBALL FACE.

Unfortunately, your FACE-TO-FACE SOCIAL SAVVY is non-existent, due to a childhood of pretending that THE OUTSIDE WORLD DOESN’T EXIST. Your INTERNET SOCIAL SAVVY is not much better despite this.

Thankfully, your HARDIHOOD is at MORE STUBBORN THAN THE GRAVITY OF A BLACK HOLE levels.

>evade the upcoming conversation with grace

You do not have enough FACE-TO-FACE SOCIAL SAVVY to do that. Perhaps if you were less of a PARANOID BASTARD about your MUTANT CANDY-RED BLOOD, you might have been able to level it up when you were younger. You would also be DEAD, because it’s not PARANOIA if they’re REALLY OUT TO GET YOU.

For excuses on the BASTARD part, see above, as well as WEIRD ANCESTOR SHIT.

JOHN: heeeeeeeey karkat!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.  
KARKAT: IF I HEAR YOU TALK LIKE VRISKA ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SEW YOUR SEED FLAP SHUT.  
KARKAT: MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS WILL REJOICE IN GRATITUDE FOR NEVER HAVING TO SUFFER THROUGH YOUR VERBAL DIARRHEA EVER AGAIN.  
JOHN: psssh, you would't do that!  
JOHN: besides, it's better for you to, uh, suffer!  
KARKAT: WHAT  
KARKAT: WHY  
JOHN: because we're bosomfoes, karkat!  
JOHN: bosomfoes hang out and annoy each other, right?  
KARKAT: JOHN  
KARKAT: I CAN NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW.  
JOHN: aww! i hate you too, buddy!  
JOHN: <3<  
JOHN: is this the right sign?  
KARKAT: PUT YOUR HANDS RIGHT THE FUCK DOWN EGBERT.

>resist urge to rant and rave in a silly manner

You fail to resist the urge.

KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL IT'S KISMESIS, GET IT THROUGH YOUR ATOMICALLY SMALL THINK PAN.  
JOHN: but i can't say that properly!  
JOHN: kismeeses  
JOHN: kizmaysisisssy  
JOHN: kissmuhsayssasa  
KARKAT: STOP IT.  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: STOP.  
KARKAT: HOW ANYONE CAN REACH THIS LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE IS SO FAR BEYOND ME, IT'S IN THE NEXT DAMN GALAXY.  
JOHN: (hehehe)  
KARKAT: I AM GLAD YOUR INANITY AMUSES YOU! BECAUSE THAT WILL MEAN AT LEAST ONE PERSON OUT OF NOBODY FUCKING ELSE IS THRILLED  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY THRILLED  
KARKAT: THAT YOUR LACK OF INTELLIGENCE CONTINUES TO BE A CANCEROUS BLIGHT IN THIS AND EVERY OTHER UNIVERSE.  
KARKAT: HINT: THAT PERSON IS NOT ME.  
JOHN: your face looks awesome when you're mad like this!  
JOHN: or adorabloodthirsty, i guess?  
JOHN: there's all these wrinkles of rage and spit flying everywhere, it's cool!  
JOHN: gross, but soooooooo cooooooool!  
KARKAT: YOU  
KARKAT: UGH  
JOHN: wow, a facepalm x2 combo! i haven't seen one of those in a while.  
JOHN: anyway, i wanted to ask you something.  
KARKAT: NO, YOU DON'T GET TO ASK ME ANYTHING.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE THE WORST KISMESIS EVER. GET LOST AND GO PRANCE AROUND IN SOMEONE ELSE'S PERSONAL SPACE.  
KARKAT: I WANT TO HAVE SOME IQ POINTS LEFT BY THE END OF THE NIGHT.  
KARKAT: DAY.  
KARKAT: FUCK, I HATE THIS PLACE.  
JOHN: hey, i'm a great bosomfoe!  
JOHN: don't i make you angry all the time?  
JOHN: have epic duels with you?  
JOHN: totally nail you with my sick burns and pranks?  
KARKAT: OH YES, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH FOR DROPPING A BUCKET ON MY HEAD AND EMBARRASSING EVERY TROLL IN EXISTENCE BECAUSE YOU HUMANS HAVE NO SENSE OF DECENCY. I ALMOST REPRESSED THAT MEMORY.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU EGBERT, WHO EVEN DOES THAT?  
KARKAT: AND STOP STANDING SO CLOSE TO ME, I'LL END UP CATCHING YOUR STUPID.  
JOHN: i already said sorry! and i promised to be more culturally sensitive with my pranks!  
JOHN: but really karkat...  
JOHN: you should be happy!  
JOHN: didn't you say you wanted to be bosomfoes? right before i came here?  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT PAST ME IS AN IDIOT AND IT'S KISMESIS YOU DUMB FUCK.  
KARKAT: DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TO STEP BACK.  
KARKAT: JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING  
JOHN: bosomfoes are supposed to kiss, right karkat?

>ABSCOND ABSCOND ABSCOND ABSCOND ABSCOND ABSCOND

You want to ABSCOND but there is SOMETHING holding you back. It might be the death grip JOHN EGBERT has on your shoulders as he pushes you against the wall. It might be the LOOK on his face as he leans toward you, soft and fragile in a way you haven’t seen since the FIRST TIME YOUR EYES MET when he arrived in your UNIVERSE.

You don’t want that LOOK to be associated with the GRISLY MAKEOUTS that KISMESISSITUDES tend to have. You don’t want that LOOK directed toward ANYONE ELSE.

Mainly though, you know that as long as you accept JOHN EGBERT as your KISMESIS, he has every right to have GRISLY MAKEOUTS with you WHENEVER and WHEREVER he pleases if he CAPTURES you. Which he has.

>dump his weird alien ass

KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE NOT KISSING ME, JOHN EGBERT.  
KARKAT: THERE IS A RULE AGAINST SLOPPY INTERSPECIES MAKEOUTS IN WHICH GRISLY MAKEOUTS ARE INCLUDED AND, AS MUCH AS STRIDER AND PYROPE LOVE FLAUNTING MY AUTHORITY AND PISSING ME OFF ON A REGULAR BASIS LIKE THE PAIR OF IRONIC HORNY GRUBFUCKERS THEY ARE, YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTING ONE THING.  
KARKAT: I AM ALWAYS THE ONE BREAKING THEM UP BECAUSE I AM THE ONE WHO REINFORCES THE RULES BECAUSE THEY ARE MY RULES.  
KARKAT: MY  
KARKAT: FUCKING  
KARKAT: RULES.  
KARKAT: SO, BY THE AUTHORITY INVESTED IN ME, WE ARE NO LONGER IN A KISMESISSITUDE AND YOU NO LONGER HAVE A RIGHT TO KISS ME. NOW LET ME GO.  
KARKAT: RIGHT NOW.  
JOHN: what?  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT.  
JOHN: are you breaking up with me?  
KARKAT: JOHN, I WILL HURT YOU.  
JOHN: you...  
JOHN: you kinda already did.  
KARKAT: FUCK

>examine feelings for john egbert

IS THIS REALLY THE FUCKING TIME?

>examine feelings OF john egbert

JOHN EGBERT is CRYING at the moment because you have just DUMPED HIM. He is CRYING and you have HURT HIM because you are an ENORMOUS SELFISH FUCK UP. You don’t feel like you DESERVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE at the moment.

>examine feelings for john egbert

You know what? Fine.

What you said before was a LIE. What you felt before was a LIE, too. You don’t really hate JOHN EGBERT as much as you say you do. In fact, you’ve been wondering if you ever hated him, platonically or otherwise. Obviously, this makes him unfit to be your KISMESIS.

You just want things to go back to NORMAL. You want JOHN EGBERT to be your HUMAN FRIEND again. You want him to stop CRYING.

God, you hate YOUR PAST SELF so much right now. How does he always screw things up this badly?

>SHOOSHPAP

Before JOHN EGBERT can run off CRYING, you make an utter FOOL of yourself calming him down. Using the SACRED TECHNIQUE available only to CRYSTAL DRAGON JESUSES, you expend ONE (1) DROP OF INHERITED NICENESS from your SEA OF WEIRD ANCESTOR SHIT. In the process, you gathered JOHN EGBERT up in your arms and HUGGED HIM.

You are STILL HUGGING HIM.

You should probably STOP.

>stop hugging

You don’t really want to.

>act contrite

KARKAT: LOOK  
KARKAT: I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN'T MIND YOU BEING MY KISMESIS BUT I WAS WRONG, OKAY?  
KARKAT: I REALLY FUCKED UP, BUSINESS AS USUAL FOR KARKAT VANTAS, GREATEST NOOKSUCKING MORON THAT EVER LIVED.  
KARKAT: SHIT GODDAMMIT FUCK ALL THIS TURNWAYS.  
JOHN: karkat?

>cease cuddling and beg for forgiveness

Your hug tightens.

KARKAT: I'M TRYING TO SAY SORRY, ALRIGHT?  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY I DUMPED YOU ON YOUR SHAME GLOBES THAT HARD AND I'M SORRY I WASN'T THINKING AND  
KARKAT: AND YEAH.  
KARKAT: SO STOP BLUBBERING AND GETTING MY SHIRT WET, THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR ULTIMATE LEADER AND GOD.  
JOHN: are you... actually apologizing to me?  
KARKAT: YES, THIS IS A THING THAT HAS JUST HAPPENED.  
KARKAT: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT NOW?  
JOHN: whoa.  
JOHN: this is so weird!  
JOHN: but, i...  
JOHN: um  
JOHN: i don't want to break up. can we not break up?  
KARKAT: WHY THE HELL NOT.  
KARKAT: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SAY IT, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HATE ME.  
JOHN: but i totally hate you, karkat! we're bosomfoebuddies for life!  
KARKAT: JOHN, THE FACT THAT YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT PROVES MY POINT.  
KARKAT: IF THERE IS AN ACTUAL NON-ROMANTICALLY-STUNTED HUMAN THAT CAN FILL THEIR CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE YOU.  
KARKAT: WITH YOU SHITTING PITY-BRICKS FOR EVERY FUCKING PERSON YOU MEET, IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE ROOM IN YOUR BOWELS FOR THAT KIND OF HATE AND IT'S MAKING ME NAUSEOUS TO SEE YOU TRY.  
KARKAT: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO BE MY KISMESIS?  
JOHN: because you wanted me!  
JOHN: to.  
JOHN: uh  
KARKAT: WHAT  
JOHN: oh god.  
JOHN: i'm going to shut up forever now.

>experience a revelation

As JOHN EGBERT buries his face in your shoulder joint, his auricular flaps a bright, hot red, you realize you CAN’T BREATHE. You’ve been wondering for a while why the human would stoop to being your KISMESIS. You didn’t say anything about the strangeness of the situation until now because you were too desperate to fill a QUADRANT, any QUADRANT, with JOHN EGBERT.

Fuck, you’re turning into ERIDAN AMPORA.

>THIS IS STUPID

You STOP making a stunning impression of a BSOD. One of your hands twitch before moving up and resting on JOHN EGBERT’S head.

KARKAT: OKAY.  
JOHN: okay?

You’re not SMILING. You don’t SMILE unless it’s the aftermath of a LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION and you’re too damn tired to care anymore about how you LOOK. But your LOOK softens on its own and your HARDIHOOD stat decreases enough for a damning blush to rise up in your cheeks.

You hate this vulnerability. You want to hate JOHN EGBERT for bringing it out.

You can’t hate JOHN EGBERT.

You understand why even the facsimile of hate from JOHN EGBERT is more enraging and wearisome to you than anything else you’ve experienced in your six sweeps.

>be a jealous twit

KARKAT: IF YOU EVER PRETEND TO FEEL HATE OR ANYTHING ELSE TOWARDS ME THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY FEEL AGAIN, I WILL RIP YOUR BULGE OUT AND FEED IT TO YOU.  
JOHN: heh, yuck.  
JOHN: i bet i wouldn't even taste that good.

>don't think sexy thoughts

You manage.

Barely.

It helps that PITYING THOUGHTS begin overflowing from your think pan the second JOHN EGBERT looks up, SMILING his wide GOOFBALL SMILE. His blue, blue eyes are still rimmed red from CRYING and there’s that LOOK again and it feels like you’re drowning in colour as your entire face fills with more of your MUTANT CANDY-RED BLOOD than you thought possible.

JOHN: you're really okay with all this?  
KARKAT: YES.  
JOHN: does that mean you...?  
KARKAT: YES.  
JOHN: wow.  
JOHN: i guess, in the end, it's a good thing i tried being your bosomfoe.  
JOHN: otherwise, neither of us would know how we really felt.  
JOHN: am i right?  
KARKAT: ...YES.  
JOHN: you're really cute like this, karkat.  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.

JOHN EGBERT leans in close, his breath turning shaky when it mingles with yours, hot against your lips.

JOHN: make me.

>make him

You do.


End file.
